Emotional independence means you know yourself at your core. Because of this, you are able to make decisions easily, have a deep understanding of what brings you joy, and know what you can handle. You are also able to remain level-headed in the face of stress and worry.
Emotional independence frees you from self-doubt.
Have you ever felt stuck with indecision, or constantly found yourself asking other people, “Can I run something by you?”
It can be disheartening when you’re unsure of what to do without someone else’s advice. It can also cause you to become energetically stuck, because other people’s opinions and ideas aren’t yours. You may end up doing something that’s against your best interests.
It’s important to have a good support system and to have people in your life who you can rely on. There are times when it’s good to go to someone for advice. For example, if you know someone who’s where you want to be career-wise, setting aside time to ask them how they got there could benefit you both. It will give them a space to reflect and help someone, and it will show you how to reach your goals.
But it’s just as important to get in touch with your own voice. When you constantly go to other people when feeling indecisive, you’re weakening your own voice.
There are two main scenarios where emotional independence will benefit you. The first is when you need to make a decision. The second is when you need to navigate stressful situations. Here are a few ways to strengthen emotional independence.
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1) Learn self-soothing techniques
This first point is for times when you’re going through something difficult in the moment.
Stress and anxiety have biological responses: stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol rush into your body. Your heart rate goes up, breathing becomes more difficult, and you might sweat or feel restless. The goal is to bring your body back to equilibrium.
When you use logic, it takes fear out. So, what are some ways to bring your body back to equilibrium?
Sitting still and focusing on your breath may be helpful. Stretching or moving around to release tension from your body can be amazing. Saying affirmations or uplifting phrases will really help as well.
If you’re around others, ask for a break. You can do an activity that will take your mind off the event, such as going for a walk, playing a game, or listening to music. For this one, the point is that you’re focusing on the activity you’re doing and not the stressful event.
2) Prioritize self-care
This next tip is for prevention rather than de-escalation. Stress oftentimes builds up without us knowing it. An example of this was when I went to the beach in the middle of a long, cloudy Winter. It wasn’t until I stepped out into the sun that I realized I was feeling down because of the cold Winter.
I digress, but the point is that you might not always know how stressed you are. This is why it’s so important to get in touch with yourself throughout the day and do small things that light you up. Am I always able to go to the beach when it snows? Not yet! But are there little things I can do to make myself happy? Always!
Make it a priority to do at least three self-care activities per day.
You might be thinking, “Three per day? I’m lucky if I can do three per MONTH with how busy I am!” Just remember you can start small, and every step counts.
Self-care teaches you that making yourself happy is your responsibility.
What may be self-care to someone else might not be to you. Also, your interests may change. If painting, reading a book, or gardening lights you up from within, then it’s self-care. If going out for coffee seems like it should be self-care but feels like a chore, then it’s not! It’s so important to find the unique things that bring you joy and do at least three per day. For more information, see my previous post on self-care.
3) Use your intuition
Pay close attention to your gut feeling. When making choices, get out of your head and drop into your body. Avoid overanalyzing things, because you can always talk yourself out of your intuitive response.
Conventional wisdom says to think about things, make pros and cons lists, and mull over each possible outcome. But using your intuition is different than using your head. This is because you’re paying attention to your initial visceral reaction and using that as a guide.
If your workplace asks you to pick up a shift on your day off, pay attention to how you feel rather than what you think. If it’s a no, you might have an initial feeling of “Mehhhhh…” and that’s your answer! That means you need to say no for time to recharge. If your initial feeling is, “Ahhhh!” then it’s a yes- maybe you’re feeling motivated that week to make extra moolah, and this is your how.
“If it’s not a heck yes, it’s a no.”
The Buddha or something
4) Let go of people pleasing
If you’re reading this, you’re probably focused on doing the right thing. This includes making the right choices, helping others, and making other people happy. This is a virtue but can go to an extreme where you’re so focused on doing the right thing that it causes indecision.
Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Why did I agree to do this? I should’ve said no like I originally thought!” That means you second guessed your intuition in favor of people pleasing. If you do things that you don’t want to just to make others happy all the time, you’ll end up exhausted and resentful.
It’s not your job to make others happy and comfortable. Remember, making yourself happy is your responsibility alone, and the same goes for everyone else. Sometimes you’ll disappoint people, and the world will keep turning. Besides, if that person respects you, they will honor your time and feelings when you say no.
The solution is just one simple phrase: “I can’t.” If someone asks you to do something that would give you no time for self-care and cause resentment, say I can’t. You don’t need to explain. Think about it. If someone asks a queen to do something she’s unable to, would she say, “Sorry, sorry, I have something going on, I have to work then clean, and I just don’t think I have the time…” Of course not! A queen would say, “I can’t,” then leave it at that.
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Emotional independence is about making yourself happy, trusting yourself, and using your intuition.
Learning emotional independence takes time and patience, so don’t worry if it doesn’t happen overnight. Remember this is a muscle… resist the urge to ask people for advice and trust your gut reaction instead. When feeling stressed, find ways to make yourself happy. Making your own decisions from a level-headed space is the key to making empowered decisions.