John Gottman, a relationship researcher and clinical psychologist, coined “The four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The Four Horsemen are ways of interacting which are detrimental to relationships. With these four behaviors that ruin relationships, he also found the antidotes which will strengthen them.
Gottman studied couples for over 40 years. He was able to observe married couples and predict whether or not they would stay married or divorce within the first five minutes of watching them interact, with predictions of 90% accuracy! By observing these couples, he found out things that all successful relationships have in common, and things that cause relationships to end. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse with the antidotes are:
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- Criticism. This is verbally attacking someone’s character, actions, or personality. Name calling, micromanaging, and pointing the finger at the other person for the problem at hand are all examples.
(“Can’t you do the errands for once? You’re just a selfish person.”)
The antidote to criticism is a gentle startup. This is explaining your feelings in a situation and avoiding talking about what the other person is doing. After this, letting go of the outcome of what the other person does is key, because the only person you can control is yourself.
(“I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment. There are some errands that need done. I would love some help with those.”)
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- Contempt. This is an expression of disgust towards someone, and even hostility. The mark of contempt is that the statement or gesture has a smear in it. Eye rolling, sighing, interrupting, or attacking the other person’s sense of self is contempt.
(“I knew you would get that wrong. *eye roll* I’d never expect you to get it right anyway.”)
Building a culture of appreciation is the antidote to contempt. It’s impossible to feel contempt when you’re expressing gratitude. Remember that words do matter, and so does body language. The more you build another person up, the stronger your relationship will be.
(“Thank you so much for helping me. I see you’re looking for ways to make this situation better and that means a lot to me. I really admire your courage!”)
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- Defensiveness. This is a way to ward off a perceived threat or attack. When defensive, a person deflects the blame to protect themself. Unfortunately, defensiveness causes them to close off in hurt.
(“I’m doing the best I can. It’s not my fault the house is a mess. Why do you always make me feel so bad?”)
Accepting responsibility is the best antidote to defensivess. When you realize that situations and interactions are a two-way street that both parties contribute to, you may find ways to solve the problem.
(“I see you’re frustrated that the house is messy. I too am feeling stressed by it. I am going to spend some time cleaning this afternoon.”)
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- Stonewalling. When someone shuts themselves off to another person emotionally or physically and becomes non-responsive, they are stonewalling. It is like they’re building a wall around themself. A stonewalling couple may not argue ever, but that’s because they’re merely existing together.
(Storming out of a room, putting your head down and not responding, ghosting somebody.)
The best antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing. This often means removing yourself from the situation temporarily to make yourself feel better. An example would be going on a walk around the block and taking deep breaths while focusing on your own well-being instead of the conflict.
(“I am feeling frustrated right now. I am going to take a 15 minute break to calm myself down, then we can talk.)
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My Takeaways:
Learning about John Gottman’s Four Horsemen is groundbreaking because it’s research conducted over a period of 40 years. It’s data oriented, not just someone’s opinion. The thing is, we aren’t usually taught this in such depth, if at all. I’m sure you remember from elementary school being told to respect one another. But what does that actually mean? It’s okay if you’re just learning now.
While all of the Four Horsemen are very harmful, in my personal observation, contempt seems to be the most dangerous. This is because it’s the most insidious, and often hurts the most. You will be able to spot contempt when you get the sense that the other party sees you as inherently less than. The notion is that “I’m better than you, and you’re less than me.” It’s like a sneaky, dark poison that seeps into people’s minds and hardens their hearts… and they just spit it out onto their loved ones.
I talk about keeping an open heart on this blog a lot. Living in an embodied, receptive state is the way to keep your heart open. Please see my previous post [here] on how to become embodied. If you notice, all of The Four Horsemen are closed-hearted ways of communication.
I’m sure when life gets tough, we’ve all been in a space where we too have stormed out of a room or critisized someone. Can you remember how it made you feel to communicate in that way? Did it cause you to feel heat in your body? Did your face tense up? Did your heartspace close?
Now, can you remember a time when you felt so triggered by someone, or so angered, yet rather than snap at them and become defensive, you softened a little bit? Maybe you made a good-natured joke or even said, “Ouch!” to show them how you felt instead of rushing to your defense. Maybe you even cried without closing your body or covering your face, revealing your pain. Not to manipulate, just purely to reveal.
It’s so much easier just to close your heart and resort to one of the Four Horsemen. You see it every day from old people bickering in restaurants, to parents snapping at their children in the grocery store, to couples resorting to personal insults at the park.
Keeping an open heart requires strength and resilience. It is not always the easy path. But it is the path that will lead to personal freedom and fulfilling relationships.
Every time you keep a soft body, open body language, and a soft, receptive heart, you beat the odds of the unhealthy communication styles that are learned behaviors. You don’t see babies ghosting people or storming out of a room, people learn this from watching and observing. Every time you stay focused on your own self-soothing instead of shutting someone off, you heal the patterns of pain that are passed down from generation to generation.
We can have healthy and loving families, friendships, and marriages. It’s not only possible, but inevitable when you learn these skills, soften your heart, and use the antidotes to The Four Horsemen. Know them in your mind and breathe them into your body as well.