One of my dear friends expressed her heart about effort in friendships. She stated that effort is a value of hers, and she feels that many people lack the effort necessary to nurture and maintain a friendship. I have been processing what she said for a few weeks now, and this morning it dawned on me that I feel the same way.
Effort is a value of mine too.
There is a social phenomenon I call “ fairy truffles.” You know, the tiny but decadent treats that fairies leave and are absolutely delicious. But what does that have to do with effort in friendships?
When I meet an acquaintance, I’m constantly on the lookout for truffles. In other words, small but vital social cues that this person wants to be my friend. In a friendship beyond acquaintanceship, truffles are little but important ways for a friend to reach out and maintain our relationship.
Truffles can come in many different forms. Perhaps someone texts you a hello or a photo of their cat. If you’re an artist, maybe someone attends your event. Maybe someone tags you in something on Facebook that reminds them of you. Or, perhaps they make a big effort to speak to you and hold a conversation in person. The key here is effort.
Notice how none of the above are grand gestures or declarations stating, “I like you and I want to be your friend!” That will rarely if ever will be the case. I believe part of making and maintaining friendships is about picking up on these cues and reciprocating. Equally as important as receiving, it’s absolutely vital to return these cues. You may eat some truffles, but you also have to give some!
I understand that in today’s society, we’re busier than we’ve ever been. But here’s the thing… effort does not have to be a huge gesture.
It can mean taking 10 seconds out of your day to reach out to someone and let them know you’re thinking of them, or arranging a coffee date at a later time. People will notice, and they will appreciate it.
Alongside being busier than ever, I believe society is more individualistic than ever. Individualism is about being true to yourself in who you are at your core. But just as everything has a shadow side, so does individualism. The shadow side can mean people are so wrapped up in themselves, they don’t check up on a friend or even notice them. They’re focused on themselves to a point where they don’t pick up on social cues. In other words, they eat the truffles but they don’t give any.
What are the repercussions of unchecked individualism?
First of all, although our society continues to progress, people are lonelier than ever. There are studies that show women are increasingly unhappy. Spread extremely thin, packed schedules leaves women little room for social interactions and community. But it’s not just women who feel overburdened… men do too. Furthermore, men are lonelier than ever. 15% of men say they have no friendships at all. Lack of connection is a breeding ground for feelings of isolation, confusion, and even contempt.
I know the above sounds grim. But I felt the need to point that out to convey just how important friendships are. We are social creatures who need people. The lovely thing about friendships is that you can choose who you surround yourself with. It’s amazing what you can learn by being around quality people.
I strongly believe the antidote to loneliness and overwhelm is connection.
We know women have too much on their plates. But what about reaching out to offer support or even a funny meme to brighten someone’s day? Furthermore, we now understand that men lack friendships. So why not reach out to your brothers to form a community? Forget the phrase “friends come and go.” That is a limiting belief that simply isn’t true. I treasure friendships that I’ve had for over a decade and know many people who have had friendships lasting a lifetime.
Technology has played a huge part in both rampant individualism and the decline of social skills. Being an observer of everyone else’s life is time-consuming and lends less time to conversation and friendships. That’s why it’s important to take a break from social media regularly and limit the amount of media you consume.
Body language is everything. Once you learn it, then it becomes very easy to tell if someone is sending you fairy truffles. Are they closed off? Are they talking about themselves the whole conversation and not asking you a single question? That’s a lack of social skills. Is this person facing you with open body language, and asking you about your day? Maybe you can make friends with them!
Friendship begins with effort.
Remember, effort doesn’t have to be an over-the-top or expensive gesture. Effort can look like making plans with someone, taking a few seconds to send a text, supporting someone’s passion project, or calling your grandma. (I know this post is specifically about friendships, but seriously… call your grandma!) People will notice these things, and they will remember you.
And remember… fairy truffles are to be eaten, but also to be given.